Summary of a Very Dark Week

The past week has been very dark. I guess I should have seen the darkness coming by now, but maybe I am still naive enough not to see the signs.

Husband went to the doctor last week. I felt good about this because he was going to talk to him about the sexual side effect of his Celexa. He was going to ask him for an new prescription. The doctor listened to what he had to say, and then he prescribed him Wellbutrin. I felt good about that as well because I had been on it before anxiety took over my life.

Two days later he took his first dose. I was at work, but we were texting back and forth. He told he felt completely stoned and about to drop off to sleep at any moment. I worried about him driving into work. He called into work to tell them that he was going to wait a little while to be safe to drive. A few hours later I left work early to check on him as he wasn't answering my messages. He was curled up asleep in the recliner. I then drove him to work. I felt he was acting oddly, but I blew it off.

Then we had a weekend where he behaved almost perfectly well. I do not recall if he took his pill on Saturday, but I do know he took it on Sunday. He said he couldn't believe how stoned he felt, but he managed to hold it together that day.

On Monday he took it again, but he did not go to work. I offered to drive him there. I could not make him go.  He was acting very strangely also. He kept going on about how I make him take these medications, and it was all my fault that he was feeling that way. It didn't help that he started drinking during all of it.

Tuesday and Wednesday were more of the same with the exception of him having no medication to take as I  threw it out. I truly believe that the Wellbutrin was making him more depressed. Yes, I know alcohol is a depressant as well. He was frightening me though.

Wednesday afternoon he called the doctor for help. He prescribed him yet another medication. I felt it was positive that he was calling the doctor. I was hoping that the darkness was abating.

That night he began vomiting. I was convinced he would not make it into work again. I was petrified. He surprised me by dragging his butt into work. He stopped throwing up shortly after his arrival although he was weak and dizzy. He also went to work on Friday. I was feeling a little less panic.

Yesterday he behaved perfectly.  He slept in as usual on his weekend off. He got up, but did not make a drink. I kept watching for the drink to appear. I watched him take his first does of his new pill. We went grocery shoppping together. The drink still didn't appear.

He confessed to me that he was trying really hard put our lives back together. He doesn't remember most of last week; his depression was that dark. He told me how sorry he is, and that he wants to get better.

I am still cautious around him, but I do appreciate that he is trying. Time will tell.

Blame Game

I think everyone who follow me on Twitter or has read this blog (my 1 follower LOL) knows that I am married to a depressive alcoholic. He is finishing his sixth week on Celexa. He claims that it is not helping him, but I do see some improvement. He is not sleeping as much. He is spending more time with the kids. And yesterday we spent over an hour just talking about us and what we're going through.

I myself suffer from depression (both regular and seasonal affective) and anxiety. I wouldn't be surprised if I were diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder. For the first time in year I can feel myself starting to climb out of the deep dark hole of depression. I want to live again! My husband is not quite there, but he is making progress.

Our biggest roadblock at the moment is the sexual side effect of his Celexa. He is a man with an over-active libido, and I'm in a period of low sex drive. It's a good thing that he finds me attractive, but he is unable to complete the performance if you know what I mean. He is constantly after me to fix him. I know he's frustrated, but it is not entirely my fault. I don't have hours to spend in bed. We have 2 kids after all. I think his blame is misplaced, but I can't make him see that it's not me. I have tried to accommodate him. I love him. I respect his feelings, but being angry at me, well, I think he's wrong.

Part of it is that he blames me for him being on the medication in the first place. I will accept blame for that. I got really scared because I thought he was going to kill himself. I called his father, and he flew home. We talked him into making a doctor's appointment. So yes, I did have something to do with him being on the med. However I have NEVER once asked him if he took his pill today or any such nonsense. I don't go into the cabinet and count his pills. He's an adult after all. He has a mother; he doesn't need me to be his.

Okay, maybe I did overstep myself by calling his father. I did it out of love though. I don't feel guilty about it although I know he hasn't quite forgiven me for it. I just think he's looking for someone to blame for his frustration. I happen to be conveniently close. Doesn't make it right, but I get it.

At the end of the day, I guess what matters is that we still love one another. He's an alcoholic, but he's not violent or abusive. I have hope that things will get better.