Jumping Right In

Due to my inability to come up with a catchy title, I decided to use my username on here as the title of my blog. I’m not exactly in the frame of mind to be creative. I woke already in panic mode. I had a stomach ache within moments, and then the panic attack set in. It doesn’t help that I already have a cold and am feeling generally icky.

He says that I turn everything around so it is about me. Perhaps I do.

His depression is weighing me down to the point that I can barely function. I worry about him day and night. Oh, there are days that we seem relatively normal, but it’s always there in the back of my mind. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Two weeks ago he was put on meds for his depression. He’s already disgusted with the med he was given. It’s making him too sleepy, and of course, it has sexual side effects. I counter with the fact that he should give it more time than two weeks. He can’t give up yet, but if he’s truly concerned that he should call the doctor. He doesn’t want to do that. He feels that they would make him make an appointment or worse, blow him off. I see that as not wanting to help himself.

It doesn’t help that he’s an alcoholic. Although he isn’t drinking all that much these days…not that I have observed anyway. I don’t mark his bottles or count his drinks.  I don’t feel the need to defend him either. He is what he is.

Before he went to the doctor I was very afraid that he was going to kill himself. I called his father, and he flew here. After that visit and the doctor visit, I began to have a little hope that things would get better. He really seemed to be trying. He was back to work, and he was much easier on the kids.

He’s still being better with the kids. By that I mean he isn’t yelling at them or anything. That part is nice. He isn’t actively taking part in their lives either. Some days I feel like he’s part of the furniture.

Weekends are the worst for me because I don’t have the distraction of work. I am constantly dwelling on how upset I feel about how he is to the point of making myself nauseated.

I recognize that I am co-dependent. I know that I have to detach from him, or I will lose my mind. Can you detach and be supportive? I really don’t know the answer to that question.

I know that I do not have control of him, his drinking or his depression. I recognize that my life is completely out of control. I guess that I need to see a therapist that knows how to deal with these issues. I am planning on asking my doctor at my next appointment (in two weeks) for a referral to someone.

It hurt yesterday when he told me that I make this all about me. That’s why I won’t deny it. If it hurt, well, then it’s probably true.  Perhaps I turn into panic woman because I want to control him by forcing him to see how badly he’s upsetting me. Guilt as motivation or some such bull.

I cannot control people, places or things. Repeat until sane. (Thanks for that one, Grateful Dude).

I suppose I could really benefit from going to AlAnon too. I just wish that there were meetings closer to where I live. It’s a 30 minute drive to the nearest one, and our finances don’t allow for wasting lots of money on gas. Excuse? Yeah, but it’s true too.

What I’m doing to myself is worrying to me as well.  Every single time I get stressed out by his problems, I end up sick with a cold. I can’t eat or sleep. Taking my Xanax helps some. I take a 1/2 at work when things start to creep in and I can’t stop panicking about him. Sometimes at night I take a whole pill just to sleep. I don’t sleep well despite taking the pill, but at least I get some sleep.

How do I stop letting his depression run my life? Dammit, I don’t even want to leave the house! I used to walk in the evenings, but I can’t even make myself do that. Is it because I won’t be here to “control” what’s going on? I’m beginning to think that is true. I may just be a control freak (not that anyone listens to me though).  Funny that I dream of running away at the same time lol.

I really don’t feel any better for having written this, but it’s a start. I apologize for my rambling, but again, my state of mind isn’t very good this morning.

I am going to go hug my kids and maybe spend some time in the sun. Maybe I will find more to add here later.